When Children Cry for Help Through Aggression: The Adult’s Role as External Regulator

A Personal Lens on Regulation

I never planned to be a mother. My pregnancy was unexpected, unfolding in the middle of a relationship I didn’t want to continue, in a country far from my family. The isolation and depression I experienced were so profound that I began to have suicidal thoughts and to hallucinate. That breaking point became the seed of transformation: I realized that if I was to protect my daughter and myself, I needed to build a community. A community rooted in nature, play, and emotional safety.

Today, as the founder of Miami Nature Playschool, I carry not only my MBA and years of leadership experience from a Peruvian university, but also my specialization in Montessori education, forest kindergarten, and synergetic play therapy.

These disciplines converge in one truth:

Children’s behaviors—especially those we label “inappropriate”—are often cries for help, attempts to regulate their nervous systems in a world that feels overwhelming.

Chapter 4 of Aggression in Play Therapy: A Window Into Regulation

Lisa Dion’s Aggression in Play Therapy reminds us that aggression is not misbehavior. It is communication. In Chapter 4, Dion emphasizes that when children act out aggressively, they are expressing the dysregulation of their nervous systems. Their fight, flight, or freeze responses are not choices—they are survival strategies.

Key insights about what regulation really means:

• Continued regulation is essential. Children cannot regulate alone; they need adults to model and embody calm presence.

• The adult as external regulator. Our nervous systems become the scaffolding for theirs. When we stay grounded, children borrow our regulation until they can internalize it.

• Aggressive or “inappropriate” behaviors are cries for help. They are attempts to discharge overwhelming sensations, to test safety, and to find a way back to balance.

The Adult’s Role: External Regulation in Action

Imagine a child throwing blocks across the room. The instinctive adult response might be to scold, punish, or remove the blocks. But what if we paused and asked: What is this child trying to communicate?

• Aggression as communication: The blocks are not weapons; they are words. The child is saying, “I am overwhelmed. I cannot hold this intensity alone.”

• Adult regulation as modeling: If we respond with calm breathing, grounded posture, and steady voice, we show the child what regulation looks like.

• Boundaries as safety: Setting limits (“I won’t let you throw blocks at others”) is not punishment—it is containment. Boundaries reassure the child that the adult can handle their intensity.

This is the essence of being an external regulator: we lend our nervous system to the child until theirs can stabilize.

Behaviors as Cries for Help

Too often, society labels children’s behaviors as “bad.” Tantrums, hitting, screaming, or defiance are seen as disrespect. But Dion’s work reframes these behaviors: they are attempts at regulation.

• Tantrums: A flood of sympathetic activation (fight/flight). The child is overwhelmed by sensations they cannot name.

• Withdrawal: A collapse into dorsal parasympathetic (freeze). The child is shutting down to survive.

• Defiance: A desperate attempt to reclaim control in a world that feels unsafe.

When we see these behaviors as cries for help, our role shifts from disciplinarian to co-regulator. We stop asking, “How do I stop this behavior?” and start asking, “How do I help this child feel safe enough to regulate?”

My Journey: From Leadership to Play Therapy

Before motherhood, I spent a decade as a Facilitator at a leadership center in Peru. I taught adults about resilience, vision, and community. Ironically, it was my daughter—born into a storm of depression and uncertainty—who taught me the most profound leadership lesson: to lead is to regulate.

When I hallucinated during my darkest day, the day I almost kill myself and my baby while driving, I realized that my nervous system was crying for help. I needed external regulation, but I had no family nearby. So I built one. I surrounded myself with community, with nature, with practices that grounded me. That journey became the foundation of Miami Nature Playschool and The Childhood Nature Project formerly known as Buzzy Kids back in 2011.

Practical Tools for Parents and Educators

Drawing from Dion’s Chapter 4 and my own training, here are tools we emphasize:

• Breathing: Slow, deep breaths regulate the adult nervous system, which children mirror.

• Authenticity: Children sense incongruence. Be honest about your feelings while staying grounded.

• Boundaries: Limits are not punishments; they are containers of safety.

• Repair: When disconnection happens (yelling, frustration), repair is key. “I’m sorry I raised my voice. Let’s try again.”

• Play as regulation: Aggressive play (pillow fights, stomping, roaring) can be safe outlets when adults hold the frame.

Why This Matters for Our Community

In Miami-Dade and Broward, families face unique pressures: fast-paced lifestyles, digital overload, and cultural diversity. Parents often feel isolated, just as I did years ago. Miami Nature Playschool exists to remind families: you are not alone.

By reframing aggression as communication, we empower parents to see their children not as problems to fix but as humans learning to regulate. By modeling regulation ourselves, we build communities where children and parents thrive together.

Conclusion: From Cry to Connection

Aggression is not the enemy. It is the child’s cry for help, their attempt to regulate in a world that feels too big. Chapter 4 of Aggression in Play Therapy teaches us that continued regulation, adult presence, and reframing “inappropriate” behaviors are the keys to healing.

My own journey—from depression and hallucination to building Miami Nature Playschool—mirrors this truth. When we regulate ourselves, we become the external regulators children need. When we see behaviors as cries for help, we transform aggression into connection.

At Miami Nature Playschool, we are not just teaching children to play in nature. We are teaching families to regulate, to connect, and to build communities of resilience.